Many of you know that my precious golden retriever Luca died suddenly in November. He had a sudden onset paralysis and hours later when we were about leave to the vet he had some seizures and died at home.
My body went into shock. I could hardly breathe. I have had other loved ones die before including a dog but the shock of this was the suddenness. Grieving a dog is also difficult because they are with us so much and they have such an unconditionally loving angelic presence.
I don’t think I had ever felt that level of pain in my body. A patient who is a spiritual director said to me, “the bigger the love, the bigger the pain.”
My homeopath friends helped me with grief and shock remedies.
I learned some things about that state which I will share.
It is important to sleep when you are tired. Sleep and dreaming helps to integrate where we are.
I started taking walks when I could to somehow get out of the trauma response of freezing.
I avoided people who were angry and drama filled to calm my nervous system.
Shock is a neurological injury. I kept lights dim. I talked about Luca with safe friends.
I got outside, went to the ocean, only spent time with friends who were okay with my crying. Grief is not a welcome state in our society and most people are uncomfortable and don’t know how to deal with it.
When my mother died in 2020, it was after 11 years of Alzheimer’s so aside from grief, there was also relief that she wasn’t suffering.
My mother used to say her Spanish grandmother said, “el matrimonio y la mortaja del cielo baja”. Which translates to “marriage and death come down from heaven.” I am making peace with the divinity of God’s timing. When you remember the angel of death, your life changes. You find meaning.
What do I recommend?
Walks
Keep a routine as much as possible
Cry when you need to cry as long as you feel safe. Crying helps put us in the calm place of our nervous system, the parasympathetic.
Do something to memorialize your loved one.
Trust in the tincture of time to heal.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross says the five stages of grief are denial, anger, sadness, bargaining and acceptance. They are not linear.
Months later, the tincture of time has helped but grieving is not over and shows up unexpectedly.
It is easier now to feel thankful for the goofy and joyful memories although I still cry at times.
I have received acupuncture and massage. Working and helping patients helps me.
When my precious lab Chico died many years ago, a friend called me to say, “unlike with men, dog rebound is okay.”
A state of shock is a body in fight or flight. Doing activities to calm the nervous system, meditation, prayer, yoga, walks in nature, baths, soothing music, a nice meal shared with a friend, seeing a safe therapist can all help to place us on a healing path. Medication may be necessary to ensure sleep.
If you are in a state of grief or shock over sudden loss, please feel free to reach out for help.